Why blog? Why now?
Ehren suggested I blog since we were first married. This November it'll be 10 years. I've watched people make careers of blogs. It's impressive.
Yet, I resist. The state of my home (messy), my tendency to hide, and a lack of follow through are strong arguments against beginning again. With anything.
Have you been there? Too aware of self and too discouraged in that knowledge to set a path? Praying for a path to present itself? Unsure whether your waiting is an excuse or a ripening?
I've got a couple small kids. Corban is the boy and Maple is the girl. Maple is 6 months old and she's home with me. Despite my not having a job, Corban goes to daycare. This was a decision we made that feels right for our family most days.
In the space opened from being home with one very agreeable and sweet baby, questions arise that I can't answer. What do I want? Who am I when no one is watching or forcing my hand? I hate these questions and I'm grateful for them.
For an extraverted, externally motivated, former high achiever who loves attention but is painfully anxious and self-focused (see "perfectionist") the blessing of my current life stage is a purgatory. Meals come together in an instant pot while kids scream, books are half read or abandoned altogether, and the chaos of life eats away at my identity rather than presenting an opportunity to learn flexibility, limits, and staying present.
I'm losing my desire to excel, to work hard, to plan, to follow through. As a Christian steeped in Christian culture this feels taboo and as a creature made in God's image this is heart-breaking. I was made for more.
The "more" I want isn't to "have it all" but rather to honor God and myself by fighting for space to create with purpose and excellence.
Enter blog opportunity.
Last week Ehren challenged me to complete Thomas Keller's master course (I have long respected Mr. Keller's accomplishments in the culinary world). Food is my lost passion-formerly a simple place of joy. Ehren didn't think I could self-direct to complete the course so he offered to pay my $90 registration fee as incentive.
Unmotivated by a challenge or the opportunity to prove others wrong, (but wise enough to listen to Ehren) I've decided to gift myself with both blog and course. My aim is that the blog provide opportunity to reflect and wrestle as I attempt the course.
The course starts in 18 days. I'm not sure how many lessons there will be. Once I know I'll set a pace for myself and blog at least once a week on my progress, life, goings on.
Until then.
